Off The Fence: Monstrous Carbuncles
And a Fencey case of wine for you.
Dear Readers,
Good afternoon and welcome again to Off The Fence, the newsletter at the vanguard of the teen media zeitgeist. We find ourselves nestled in the warm crook of mid-June, which means we’re a whole week closer to our upcoming 20th issue. We will be screaming about that from the rooftops when time comes, fear not.
In order to place yourself front of queue for that document, you can sign up for a subscription at the link below, which – to remind you – will get you four mags for the princely price of £29.99
This week we’ve seen our glittering pages taking their repose in a Marseillaise brasserie, enjoying the salubrious environs of the American Bar, but we must reserve a special shout-out for this shot of Issue 20 holding back the doors of democracy herself, at the House of Commons press gallery.
But enough of all that. Today, we wonder aloud about the demise of the Evening Standard and our resident Reverend, Fergus Butler-Gallie, wants to set wine at your table. But first, our cup brimmeth over.
Eyesore Metrics
We have a winner! After a long, passionate adjudication lunch, our panel of experts settled on the shortlist – and the winner – of the 2024 Carbuncle Cup, our reanimated rundown of the foulest British buildings erected since 2018.
First on the shortlist was the overwhelming public favourite: W Hotel in Edinburgh (Jestico + Whiles, 2023), more commonly known to locals as the Golden Jobby.
Still in Scotland, the second selection for the shortlist was the Virgin Hotel in Glasgow (Twenty First Architects, 2023), which ceased trading after four months.
Heading south for the first time, next on the list is the new Royal Liverpool University Hospital (Carillion, 2022), described by one panellist as 'like eight awful buildings jammed into one.'
Next, phase II of the Mast Quay housing development in Greenwich (Comer Homes Group, 2022). Attached is what the council were promised, and what they received – the project has already been earmarked for demolition.
Back in Liverpool once more with our next shortlisted entry, the redevelopment of Lime Street (ISG, 2019) into a mixed-use shop, hotel and student housing emporium.
Closer to home, for us at least, the final shortlisted entry is the jewel in Soho Estates' portfolio: Ilona Rose House (MATT Architecture, 2021), squatting just off Tottenham Court Road.
And our winner is… ISG's 2019 redevelopment of Lime Street in Liverpool. To summarise the assessment of our jury chair, 'greed has rarely looked so greedy.'
Here it is in all its hideous vainglory.
And on a totally unrelated note, a photo from the day it was opened, by former Liverpool mayor, Joe Anderson.
Reaction so far has already been bubbly, fervent and, in some cases, almost certainly defamatory. Do let us know what you think, and feel free to keep an eye on the trades for any contribution you might wish to make to next year’s shortlist.
The Youthfullest Mag in the Whole UK
As we’ve been positively howling about for the last week, we got one helluva shoutout from Marina Hyde and Richard Osman on their wonderful, wildly popular podcast, The Rest is Entertainment. Haven’t seen it yet? Well, take a look below:
As our august boosters accurately state, we are the UK’s youngest – nay, Only – magazine, and we’re getting bigger, better and stronger with every issue. There really is no time like the present for getting on-board: subs start from £19.99 for digital, £29.99 for print, and £34.99 for the all-inclusive. You’ve come this far – treat yourself!
Grape Expectations
Our Editor-at-Livin’-it-Large has created a case of wine specially designed for you, the discerning Fence reader. Simply include the code FENCE15 when clicking this exclusive link to get a juicy discount.
When it comes to wine, having an affair or balancing a nation’s structural deficit, they say you can’t please all the people all of the time. Well, ‘they’ – the mongrel hordes who hide beneath the cowardly anonymity of the A-Z Quotes website – are wrong. The Fence’s guide to those latter two subjects will be out soon, with doubtless more appropriate authors (we’re thinking George Osborne for both) but, alas, proving this maxim true for vino has fallen to me.
You, or at least those of you with more than four friends and a functional table, are likely to have been in the specific situation of having people ‘round and wondering which wine will appease them all. It’s your wannabe Bohemian boyfriend meeting your staidly conservative parents, or your wannabe conservative boyfriend meeting your staidly Bohemian parents. It’s the first time having people from work over to your house. It’s the mates from school or uni you haven’t seen since Elizabeth II was on the throne. It’s you and the wife finally taking the chief up on his offer for dinner, to show you can still operate a normal life even as that damned Mitchelson murder case has taken a further grisly turn. It’s any and all of the occasions when you’ve needed a selection of wines to pair with food to grease the wheels of chat or, perhaps, aid your social ambitions.
My job in putting together this crate was to assemble a box of wine to service any of these occasions and appease all palates. A utility case of first class vino which can eradicate the hassle of buying around for weeks beforehand, or running to a supermarket and grabbing something with a label that looks nice. It needed to be reasonably priced but of impeccable quality. It needed to have the variety to match various courses whilst maintaining coherence. A mix of old world and new. Classic but with a bit of zest. Whilst this task was very Fence, I was unlikely to manage it from the selection of Jacob’s Creek miniatures available at the corner shop near the office. There was only one place where I would get what was required: the Jeroboams Trade Fair.
There, amidst the pro winos, I drank and drank and came up with the following case, designed to make any dinner party easy as pie:
NV Laytons Brut Reserve Champagne
Yes; an actual Champagne. That’s right, there’ll be no ‘really, crémant is just as good’ or ‘no seriously, we do like prosecco’ for you, my friend. This is a fantastically versatile Champagne, which will get your guests on the right page from the get-go. It is a favourite at Jeroboams who use the legacy label from Laytons, who started trading 90 years ago in Mayfair. Drinking-wise, it has excellent richness and depth with a refreshing palate. The perfect start to your dinner party and guaranteed to be a pleaser of all and sundry.
2022 Kret Pinot Grigio Ramato
The first of our two whites. This drop, from a family run small estate in Friuli is organic and ticks basically every box you could possibly have constructed in your head for that particular guest who isn’t going to touch the reds in a month of Sundays. It’s a Pinot Grigio with a beautiful copper hue. The nose is floral with plenty of minerality and tropical mango notes. A structured palate with plenty of texture and a long length. Crack it out– chilled, but not too cold, so that minerality can speak properly– for your sister or your boyfriend or your boss and watch mouths begin to zing.
2023 FRAM Chenin Blanc
Our first non-European number – a beautiful Cape Chenin Blanc. It’s produced by Thinus Krüger, whose preferred mode of dress for viniculture is a leopard-print lycra onesie. His dress sense might be dubious but his wine is superb. This is, after all, The Fence, and so there is a tight racy acidity that’s the standout characteristic of this Chenin, combined with a ripeness that adds immense complexity. Fish, chicken, whatever it is you’ve muscled up after a Friday night at work after forgetting you were having people to dinner: this cracker of a wine will stand up and do the talking.
2022 Bakkanali Rosa
We’re going to go out on a limb and say this could be the showstopper of the evening. This is no basic bitch rosé. It’s 100% Sangiovese and is a bit like being punched in the face by Carmen Miranda’s hat. Bold, intense, supremely fruity and much admired by people who know their wine. Serve it to your friends who think they’re cooler than a Whispering Angel, serve it to your mum and watch her going on a taste journey à la When Harry Met Sally: even better, claim you’ve only got whites and reds and drink it yourself one on one with someone you actually like. It really is too good to share.
2019 Fattoria Casaloste Chianti Classico
Hannibal Lecter’s favourite but you don’t need to be serving fava beans and the liver of an acquaintance to enjoy this, the first of our reds. A real favourite among Jeroboams themselves it is an absolute banker when it comes to serving with food. Everything you want from a Chianti and from arguably its finest Terroir. Guaranteed to please the trad winos as well as bring round the trendier crowd, this bottle of red is, to use a technical term, unfuckable, regardless of what you chose to dish up to your beleaguered guests as a main.
2019 Massal 1945 Carmenère
Finally, as the evening draws to a close and you're considering rash decisions, this stunner from South America is what you’ll be winding down with. The nose is filled with black fruits, olive and pepper with just a hint of leafiness. The palate is generous and welcoming with some chocolate and tobacco notes balanced by a lovely natural freshness. A real slice of proper Chilean viniculture: the ploughs at this terroir are still horsedrawn. Again: the vineyard is small, family owned and steeped in the best traditions of wine making. Give it a bit of air and plenty of warmth before spilling it down yourself as your guests prepare to leave.
So there we have it. The Fence – with kind help and consideration by the geniuses at Jeroboams – have solved your dinner party dilemma. Order our special Jeroboams case again and again and watch your name go round your office, social circle or lame family WhatsApp group as an honoured oenophile. What you needn’t tell them is that, as a Fence devotee, you’re getting it at a fraction of the price you would elsewhere. Or maybe you do want to tell them that, just to rub in your taste in both independent magazines and excellent wines. Enjoy, drink up, and then do it all again. Alas, the food and company, we must leave to you.
Falling Standards
It’s a sad farewell as the final plugs are pulled at the Evening Standard print edition in London. The big question is: why did it fuck up? How did a going concern of a West London newspaper manage to fold into the Metro but shitter? The golden days of the soon-to-be-ex-paper have already been headily chronicled but, even acknowledging that London isn’t as sexy as it was (duh), many point the finger at the massive content dilution that it underwent after its purchase by nefarious peer Evgeny Lebvedev, pictured below attending an exclusive black tie event.
Whilst we mourn the Standard’s loss, we’re in receipt of plenty of juicy stories about its final era: from its owner’s simping for Sir Ian McKellan – to the extent that he bought him a pub – to the many adventures of late-era editor Emily Sheffield.
A skeleton staff are still keeping things going at the moment – many of them fantastic writers whom we hope will be snapped up elsewhere – but either way, when the obits are finally written for the last Lady of the Night left on Fleet Street, we’re sure they’ll be juicy.
Working Title
This week we released another of our trademark industry insider pieces, a stirring and – at times, dispiriting – guide to getting a film made in Britain, or resolutely failing to do so, as the case will almost certainly be. It’s proven quite a hit with those in the know, and illuminated a mostly hidden world for the rest of us who think all British films are grown in a vat injected with hair samples from Olivia Colman, Mark Rylance, Dame Judi Dench and Jim Broadbent.
We’ve published quite a few Insider bits in the past five years. Henry Jeffreys told us what it was like to work as Russell Brand’s book publicist. Our publishing supremo gave you 12 Rules to Get Your First Book Published. A former staffer at the BBC gave amazing insight into how the Brexit TV debates were produced. A soldier who served alongside the Special Air Service explained why the fabled regiment are allowed to kill with impunity. This piece, by a governess who worked in Moscow for a series of oligarchs, is really very funny.
We are, in short, a sucker for a stolen glance at an unfamiliar world. So, if your industry is invisible, poorly understood, or commonly misrepresented - let us know and we’ll shine a light wherever we can.
In Case You Missed It
James Brown on an evening with Mark E Smith and Nick Cave, for the Quietus
Ian Parker with an extraordinary slice of architectural gore, in the Tadao Ando beach house bought by Kanye West.
John Saward wants to go where everybody knows his name.
Probably the most interesting piece about bronze age yak milk production you’ll read this year.
Megan Agnew explores Taylor Swift, via those who knew her before fame struck
And Finally
Shout out to filmmaker and culturist Paul Duane for alerting us to the existence of David Rudkin’s bonkers science fiction thrillfest Artemis 81, available for everyone to watch on YouTube below.
While almost everything about the film is memorable, a few starting points present themselves immediately; its wildly ambitious plot of celestial war between the angels of light and death, one of whom is portrayed by Sting; the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance by brand new young thesp Daniel Day Lewis; its grain being so torridly battered it might as well have been filmed on potato peel; and a truly bonkers starring performance from Hywel Bennett as the immaculately named occult novelist Gideon Harlax.
The latter is, indeed, such a singularly recognisable performance that we’re inclined to agree with Duane that it seems likely to have filtered down to another great fictional scribe, Garth Marenghi.
As Aidan Fitzmaurice argues, throw in a healthy splash of Books of Blood-era Clive Barker, and we may have just sequenced the entire Marenghi genome.
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That’s it for this week, if you’ve got a question about an order, then please email support@the-fence.com and we will attend to you with judicious haste. We’ll be back next Tuesday at the same time.
All the best,
TF
My eyes are in pain from these carbuncles, but my heart is full.